Eulogy or No Eulogy? That’s the Question!

I supported a lovely family during one of the most challenging times in their lives in 2021. After the funeral, I received a handwritten four-page letter. The family had chosen to hold a unique, deeply personal multi-sensory ceremony.

The final paragraph of their letter said this:

“…you created a beautiful blend of music, photos, symbols, and special mementoes, along with thoughtfully selected food and drink, which truly brought our dear father’s spirit to life. As you mentioned at the start of the service, ‘breathing his essence back into existence’—we’re so thankful for this experience…”

Their words illustrated just how much they valued this personalised approach, which allowed them to honour their father’s life in a meaningful and intimate way, rather than sticking to the standard eulogy format.

While it’s widely believed that a eulogy is essential in memorial services, my view differs slightly. Eulogies are certainly common, but they are not a necessity. It’s important to understand that there are countless ways to celebrate a life. Families can choose to skip the eulogy and instead gather to share their loved one’s favourite music, personal anecdotes, cherished photographs, meaningful videos, touching rituals, poetry, and significant moments of farewell.

Here are some points to consider when deciding whether to include a eulogy:

Reasons to Include a Eulogy

1. Eulogies provide a platform to reflect on the achievements and unique life journey of the person being honoured. Thus fostering a sense of contemplation and appreciation.
2. Sharing treasured memories can bring solace and a sense of peace to those in mourning. Furthermore, they highlight what made the individual unique and memorable.

Reasons to Skip the Eulogy

1. Some families prefer a more intimate and engaging service that emphasises other elements, giving the day a more personal touch.
2. For some attendees, listening to a structured speech about a loved one can be overwhelming during such an emotionally charged time – too many words! The formality and structure of a eulogy can sometimes make it difficult for people to express their emotions, especially if they are still processing their grief.
3. Many families find that music, readings, or visual presentations can be equally meaningful in honouring the memory of their loved one. For instance, a family might choose to play the deceased’s favourite song, display a slideshow of their life, or have a friend read a meaningful poem. These alternatives can be just as powerful as a traditional eulogy.

The Tradition of Eulogy

Traditionally, a eulogy is a speech delivered during a funeral or memorial service that highlights the life, achievements, and impact of the deceased on others. This tradition dates back to ancient Greece, where it was common for friends and family to deliver speeches in honour of the deceased. Over time, the eulogy has evolved across various cultures and religions. Still, its core purpose remains the same: to celebrate the life of the departed and provide comfort to those left behind.

Eulogies tend to be read out by family members, friends, or clergy and may vary in style from formal to informal. Although they are commonly associated with funerals, eulogies can also play a role in celebrations of life’s milestones and achievements in different contexts. Recently, digital tributes and video memorials have gained popularity as heartfelt ways to honour those we’ve lost.

Historically, remembrances often occurred during funeral Masses, where priests shared kind words. However, memories were more frequently shared informally over coffee with friends or family afterwards. Nowadays, the eulogy has become a staple of the ceremony, much like a best man’s speech at a wedding.

A Multi-Sensory Approach

A multi-sensory funeral transcends the ordinary by incorporating elements that engage all the senses, aiming to create a richer, more immersive experience. This approach envelops attendees in an atmosphere that evokes memories and emotions.

Core Concept
Multi-sensory funerals harness the power of our senses to evoke feelings and memories. By integrating various sensory elements, we can create a profound experience for everyone involved.

Key Elements Include
Images, videos, photo displays, and themed decorations vividly illustrate the deceased’s life and passions, providing a poignant tribute to their legacy. Music—whether it’s their favourite songs, live performances, or natural sounds—establishes strong emotional connections, bringing forth deep feelings and memories.

The Difference Is…

While my approach to funeral ceremonies may seem unconventional, it resonates deeply with attendees. We only need to read the feedback I receive and what people are saying. I will thoughtfully design each ceremony to be engaging, meaningful, and ultimately therapeutic.

Reflecting on the family I served in 2021, I’m reminded of what Maya Angelou wisely noted,

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

[Sound Bites. Journal of Property Management, 81(1), 4.]