Rediscovering Joy: How to Live Fully After a Loss

3 years ago…

Since Dad passed away, Mum has felt utterly drained, lacking any impetus, purpose, or joy. He was her whole world for over 60 years.

“I just want to be with him,” she often says.
“I just want him back.”

This is now…

It’s easy for me to see beyond her grief because I’m not in the same place. I haven’t lived through a relationship for six decades. Still, I’ve witnessed many find joy and discover new meaning after losing someone dear to them. I know it’s possible, but Mum isn’t ready to hear about that yet. The worry, however, is that time may be slipping away for Mum; she’s 80 years old and set in her ways.

As a grief specialist, I help hundreds of people each year navigate through their loss and emerge ready to embrace new possibilities. Of course, not everyone finds their way through, but the vast majority do.

A few years later, glimmers of hope are starting to show. Mum has recently completed some one-on-one counselling with a colleague and seems more relaxed than she has been in a while. I also know that appearances can be misleading. She found the support invaluable and was quite receptive during the sessions, yet she still feels hesitant to take any steps toward a new purpose without Dad. Nevertheless, her demeanour looks lighter, less burdened.

Understanding the Complexities of Grief

I just want him back

Grief is a natural process, though it varies widely from person to person and doesn’t follow a strict timeline. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve; the intensity and duration can differ significantly for everyone. Having someone to help explore the underlying currents of your despair can be liberating. It may uncover the issues holding you back from moving forward. Remember, healing isn’t linear; it’s okay to have both good days and bad.

Joy and Sadness

Lifeless and dark

I vividly remember working with a young couple trying to cope with the loss of their 3-year-old son under tragic circumstances. They described feeling “lifeless and dark,” and understandably, they had no desire to have another child, fearing it might feel like a replacement. They wanted to honour their firstborn’s memory by keeping his unique place in their lives, believing that having another child would somehow diminish that.

Years later, they reached out to me in February last year with unexpected news: they were expecting another child. This surprise marked a significant turning point in their grief journey—a true “glimmer of hope” that they were ready to embrace life again, despite the lingering sadness.

They had to reckon with their grief anew as they prepared for the baby’s arrival. My heart leapt with joy when I received that message because, even in their ongoing grief, I sensed a new beginning. I met with them several times to reassure them that they could look forward to welcoming a new life while still honouring their past. Living with grief doesn’t mean ignoring it or letting it overpower you. It means acknowledging it, allowing joy to coexist alongside sorrow, and finding ways to lead a fulfilling life despite the heaviness. Joy and grief can walk hand in hand.

Convincing my Mum of this notion has been tough, but she seems a bit more open to it now.

I’ll update on the couple’s current situation at the end.

Allowing Space for Emotions

In both instances, it has been essential for individuals to embrace the full spectrum of feelings tied to grief—sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, and even relief. Denying or pushing down these emotions can significantly slow down the healing journey. Accepting and living through these emotions is the only way to move forward.

Understanding that grief is a natural reaction to loss and acknowledging that it’s okay to feel whatever arises is a considerable part of overcoming it.

Creating a judgment-free environment where grieving can take place comfortably is vital. It’s important to share your authentic feelings—whether through conversation, tears, or other forms of expression. However, it’s crucial to carve out a space for this with someone who will genuinely listen.

That listener needs to give you their undivided attention, allowing you to express yourself without interruptions or unsolicited advice. Sometimes, being heard is the most valuable support, possibly with a few gentle suggestions along the way.

Respecting the grieving process is also key. You have to let it unfold on its terms and allow yourself to feel what you feel, recognising that there’s no set timeline for grief and that everyone experiences it differently. Permit yourself to process your emotions at your own pace. Practising self-compassion is vital—treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would extend to a friend going through a similar experience. Remember to allow yourself to rest, seek help, and recognise that healing takes time.

A New Baby

Welcoming a new baby brings a profound sense of love, wonder, and happiness that can completely transform a family’s life. Having a baby is often filled with intense emotions, where even the smallest milestones—a tiny hand gripping a finger, a first smile—create cherished memories that fill parents with pride and joy.

For the couple previously mentioned, the arrival of their daughter has helped them reconnect with joy in their lives. They’ve begun sharing some of those precious first moments with me through text messages. The father, like me, has trained as a funeral director and, through the experience of loss, has decided to give back to the community. We plan to hold a memorial ceremony for their firstborn on the same day as their daughter’s naming ceremony. These two separate stories, filled with distinctly different emotions, can coexist beautifully.

Check out this song about joy and sadness from the musical, Notebook. It explores the duality of human emotions, suggesting that sadness and joy are intertwined and inseparable aspects of life, like two sides of the same coin.

A ray of hope

What are your thoughts?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you experienced something similar? Let’s keep the conversation going…leave your comments below.